I'm sorry for the lack of posts... I haven't had the time to be creative at all, to be honest, I don't even have the time to write this little post right now. I'm sitting in an English class and instead of listening or working on all those things I have to do for my other classes.
My Green Youth group has been planning a big event against racism for the 1st of December for more than half a year now and this month everything has to be finished. Don't get me wrong, it is great fun, I feel very good about being part of this important project but in combination with my everyday life as a student, private tutor, partner and regular friend it is simply too much right now. I know that I only have to get through those few more days and I also know that is is more than worth it but I am on the edge of losing my mind.
Yesterday, I thought about all the things I still have to do (prepare 3 uni presentations, write 2 essays, read a bunch of theatre plays and secondary literature, see my boyfriend at some point in this week because we have NO time together at the moment, get new glasses as soon as possible because mine broke, meet friends who I haven't seen in weeks, be a good blogger, maybe sleep for a few hours and do all the Green Youth stuff...) while rushing to the train and I felt it coming:
I nearly had a panic attac. I have asthma and I noticed how I couldn't breath properly anymore, how I was on the edge of crying like a little child if anybody would just look at me strangely. Everything was just...Too much. I somehow did manage to calm down and I simply took the evening off. I watched Dark Shadows, had crisps and slept for eight hours, it was awesome. Today, I feel better and worse at the same time. I am more relaxed because I slept more than 5 hours for the first time in over a week but because I haven't done anything important yesterday evening, I am even more busy today and the coming week. Oh well, nevermind.
I feel like an ass for complaining. I love everything I do! I really enjoy studying. I love, love, love my boyfriend (which is why it's terrible not to be able to see him more often), my friends mean everything to me and don't think I have every felt so good about being involved in something as I feel about the Green Youth. The problem is that I want to be commited to all those things and that simply doesn't work out. I don't know how other people do it, maybe I am weaker, more spoiled, less organized, too stupid, I don't know. I wish I could get out of my body to be able to work with my mind all the time because my body is holding me back with its demands for food, sleep and rest. I am getting sick, I can feel it and I know that I might end up in hospital because the asthma turns every simple cold into an bronchitis or a pneumonia and I don't want to accept this limitation because I do not have the time to rest. I don't want to rest. I want to live to the fullest. I want to see my friends, I want to spend time with my boyfriend, I want to be successfull in uni, I want the day against racism to be a great success. I think that's it: I want too much.
I know this isn't the blogpost you normally find here, I am sorry for that but i needed to get these feelings out into the world because I think there is a lesson or two to learn: We are only human, we need time for ourselfs and even if we have a stressfull time we should try to be polite and freindly to everybody because we don't know what is going on in other people's lives right now. I am grateful for every smile and every nice word at the moment and I am sure I am not the only one.
Again, I am sorry for the lack of posts, things will change, I promise! I don't even have the time to spell check this post...
Have a great day and take a rest,