Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Too much...

I'm sorry for the lack of posts... I haven't had the time to be creative at all, to be honest, I don't even have the time to write this little post right now. I'm sitting in an English class and instead of listening or working on all those things I have to do for my other classes. 
My Green Youth group has been planning a big event against racism for the 1st of December for more than half a year now and this month everything has to be finished. Don't get me wrong, it is great fun, I feel very good about being part of this important project but in combination with my everyday life as a student, private tutor, partner and regular friend it is simply too much right now. I know that I only have to get through those few more days and I also know that is is more than worth it but I am on the edge of losing my mind. 
Yesterday, I thought about all the things I still have to do (prepare 3 uni presentations, write 2 essays, read a bunch of theatre plays and secondary literature, see my boyfriend at some point in this week because we have NO time together at the moment, get new glasses as soon as possible because mine broke, meet friends who I haven't seen in weeks, be a good blogger, maybe sleep for a few hours and do all the Green Youth stuff...) while rushing to the train and I felt it coming: 
I nearly had a panic attac. I have asthma and I noticed how I couldn't breath properly anymore, how I was on the edge of crying like a little child if anybody would just look at me strangely. Everything was just...Too much. I somehow did manage to calm down and I simply took the evening off. I watched Dark Shadows, had crisps and slept for eight hours, it was awesome. Today, I feel better and worse at the same time. I am more relaxed because I slept more than 5 hours for the first time in over a week but because I haven't done anything important yesterday evening, I am even more busy today and the coming week. Oh well, nevermind. 

I feel like an ass for complaining. I love everything I do! I really enjoy studying. I love, love, love my boyfriend (which is why it's terrible not to be able to see him more often), my friends mean everything to me and  don't think I have every felt so good about being involved in something as I feel about the Green Youth. The problem is that I want to be commited to all those things and that simply doesn't work out. I don't know how other people do it, maybe I am weaker, more spoiled, less organized, too stupid, I don't know. I wish I could get out of my body to be able to work with my mind all the time because my body is holding me back with its demands for food, sleep and rest. I am getting sick, I can feel it and I know that I might end up in hospital because the asthma turns every simple cold into an bronchitis or a pneumonia and I don't want to accept this limitation because I do not have the time to rest. I don't want to rest. I want to live to the fullest. I want to see my friends, I want to spend time with my boyfriend, I want to be successfull in uni, I want the day against racism to be a great success. I think that's it: I want too much.

I know this isn't the blogpost you normally find here, I am sorry for that but i needed to get these feelings out into the world because I think there is a lesson or two to learn: We are only human, we need time for ourselfs and even if we have a stressfull time we should try to be polite and freindly to everybody because we don't know what is going on in other people's lives right now. I am grateful for every smile and every nice word at the moment and I am sure I am not the only one.

Again, I am sorry for the lack of posts, things will change, I promise! I don't even have the time to spell check this post...
Have a great day and take a rest,
The Countess


  1. Dear Countess

    first of all: Have a big big hug *hug* I think these moments happen to everybody, or at least everybody with as much energy and passion as you have. Don't see it as a sign that you are failing, see it as a sign that you are living your life to the fullest and you just had some bad luck which made it all come to a head right now.

    Don't measure yourself against others. From the outside, everything looks different. After all, you don't see people collapse on their bed every night or notice that they haven't seen their friends for weeks because they pour all their energy into one project. I'm sure your life looks great from the outside too.

    That being said, please please take care of yourself. In the end, very very few things are worth your health. It's fine to prioritize and it's fine to delegate things to others when you are out of time. Also, can you combine things? I'm thinking of studying at your boyfriends house so you can go and give him a hug every thirty minutes or so? Get your friends involved in the day you are organizing so you see them and pass on some of the load? Things like that?

    *big hug* Zelde

    1. You, Zelde, are amazing! Thank you so much! I just came home, tired, in a rush and hurt because I had been pushed on the stairs on the station a few minutes earlier and there comes your lovely, lovely comment... It really means a lot to me. Your kind words made me smile and what better thing could you give to people than a smile and a hug?

      I talked to my boyfriend, we will start studying together. He is really busy too and we miss each other very much at the moment.

      I can't really get my friends involved in the day against racism but I started talking to them about how stressful everything is and that I miss them and they are very understanding and helpful with nice words.

      Again, thank you so much, please know that you made my day! Hugs and cookies,


    2. Yay! I'm glad I could help :)

  2. Dear Countess,

    I want to second everything Zelde said; it's excellent advice.

    If your friends aren't interested in the day against racism, but you still want to catch up with several of them, is it possible to a) study with them? or b) meet them all at once on some fun adventure?

    On the health side and to quote Zelde, "please, please take care of yourself!" You are running through your reserves so quickly it sounds like. If possible, try to get at least six-seven hours a sleep a night. If not, then at least make sure you are eating lots of good, nutritious food and taking time to breath deeply.

    Some other suggestions: Sit down when you eat. Take five minutes in the morning to stretch. When your mind is going a hundred miles a minute and you can't focus, try staring into a candle flame or really noticing the colors outside. This distracts your mind and gives it a chance to reset so you can focus again.

    Finally, when this is all over, remember to take a weekend just for yourself to recuperate.

    I hope everything goes well and your anti-racism day is a success!

    ~ Lynette

    1. Dear Lynette,

      thank you for your wonderful comment! Comming here on my blog and reading such nice and friendly words is everything I could hope for after a long day.

      I will take your advise and try using some of your ideas, especially when it comes to diet, stretching, breathing and resetting my mind. Staring into flames helps me a lot, I do that pretty often. I don't know what it is about flames but they make me much calmer.

      The problem is less that I don't see my friends but that I rush from one obligation to another. I study, I work, I try to meet up with friends at least for a coffee, I help organizing or day against racism... If I stop seeing my friends I'll feel even more down but at the same time they add to my stress level.

      This evening, I was forced to stay at home and rest because I was pushed on the stairs of the station and hurtmy leg. I could curse the person who did it but it also had the effect that I didn't go to work but took a bath while reading some uni stuff instead.

      Again, thank you so much for all your great advise! You mentioned all those things that should be normal but are forgotten when you come in that situation. being reminded of them helps immensly!

      The Countess

  3. I'm glad the advice was helpful! It's good to know the lessons I'm learning in school are beginning to pay off.

    I also wanted to congratulate you on finding the silver lining of your dismal day. Your commitment to staying polite and friendly is a very admirable one. I'll be sure to remember it, the next time I have a bad day.

  4. Whew, the end of term is soooo stressful, especially when you have a lot of projects at once! I totally know what you mean! And you are doing so much too! You are amazing!

    1. Aww, thank you. It's always nice to hear such kind words. I always feel that I am not doing enough. I'd like to be an animal rights' activist, do charity work, give more to the homeless...